Monday, July 29, 2013

Creating evidence of intelligent life

How am I to be an example of transcending victimization when I take things personally and have to defend myself? The people I was thinking about in my previous post about playing relationships in hard mode all display this defensive, self-righteous characteristic that I am so reluctant to identify in myself.

By not acknowledging someone's sincerity in holding or seeking truth, I will provoke his defensiveness, which will in turn draw out my defensiveness. My perception of my brother's insincerity ultimately prevents me from believing in my own sincerity. I imagine that he enjoys agreement or sympathy as much as I do, and my choice to withhold it from him strengthens my notion that it is in limited supply and that I, too, am lacking it.

As much as I want to "teach" friends all these insights verbally, I know from experience how futile that is as long as I don't embody these words myself. I've been spouting ideas I don't even believe at people waiting for them to lead me into the territory of ideas I wish were true but am afraid won't work.

"Wait, Master. It might be dangerous. You go first."
I will not wake up if I merely mime the actions of a virtuous person. I will not wake up if I ask others to act virtuously first. I am the miracle I've been waiting for, and I blaze my own path despite the missteps I am bound to make along the way. I am the evidence of intelligent life I've been looking for in this otherwise barren universe, and I create meaning before there is evidence to support it.

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